"We will walk to the edge of the earth with you, because we need you to be willing to carry us to the edge of the earth when we are too weak to walk along." I wrote this in my last entry, while I was deeply struggling with my decision to hold on or to let go of my 5 year relationship with my fiancé. I painstakingly made the decision to let go and choose myself! This is really the first time, since my diagnosis in 2005, that I face my battle with Crohns alone. While somewhat scary, I am rather excited to embark on my new solo mission! I am older now, wiser and still so eager to learn and grow. Now this isn't to say that I will always be positive and upbeat, but I will ALWAYS grow and learn, even in the midst of the little battles that I lose. I choose to love, respect, cherish and value myself and I hope that if there is someone out there reading this, while struggling with an unhealthy relationship, that you make this day the day that you choose yourself as well! It's not easy; I have moments of hurt, anger, resentment, sadness and of course, missing him. I have given into some of these moments, but letting myself feel the full range of emotion is helping me to face each element, so that I can let it go, forever. As I reflect back, I realize that not everyone is capable of handling this disease. What do I mean by this? I mean that living with someone who is chronically ill requires great sacrifice, understanding, compassion and a selfless, humble heart. It means having to put someone else's needs before your own, time and time and time again. It means extra responsibility. It means being a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen, as we vent and get it all out. It means being a cheerleader and a motivator. It means way too many doctor's visits and ER trips in the middle of the night, uncomfortable procedures and surgeries. It means working hard all day long and coming home to no supper and a messy house while your partner lays in bed and doesn't even look sick. It means picking up that slack and then putting down the frustration that comes along with it. It means looking beyond the disease, loving through the disease and no matter how hard it may be, it means never losing sight of the value of the heart in front of you. I could keep going here, but the point is, that not everyone is capable of being this kind of a rock to someone else. Some people are only capable of love to a certain extent. That's not to say that they are a bad person, but that's also not the person that we should journey along with. We (the intestinally challeged), need to recognize the entirety of our situation and if you have a partner, ask yourself if they are truly a good fit for your situation. First and formost, negative stress is the WORST/BIGGEST trigger of our disease. Everything that goes straight to heart, also goes straight to the gut. If you are in a toxic relationship, you are not only allowing yourself to be hurt, you are KILLING yourself. Whether we want to acknowledge this or not, many people, of all ages, have lost their battle with this disease and this will continue until we find a cure. Some people still think that our disease is no big deal, that it just means that we need to change our diet. You need to know for yourself how big of a deal this is and not allow someone (especially your partner) to tear you down for what you have no control over. This disease impacts not only our intestines but other organs too. When your body isn't absorbing nutrients, it impacts the entire body and your organs aren't 100% healthy enough to work properly. Negativity and stress induce flares, which lead to malabsorption and malnutrition which affects the organs, as well as causing blockages, strictures, fistulas and can eventually lead to death. Recognize this and be proactive about this. We only get one body. Diseased or not, it is our job to make sure that we push this body as far as it will take us for as long as it will take us. Having a partner is a wonderful blessing. It truly does make it a million times easier to face the daily battles when you have someone to face it with, but there's a flip side. Do you know what is worse than facing your disease alone? Being with a partner who doesn't get it, (whether it be ignorance or just plain cruel intent) and takes the disease and uses it against you, making you feel lonlier than before, that you deserve every bad thing and that you're a horrible human being beacause of the things outside of your control!! You suffer enough as it is, so love yourself and believe in yourself enough to know that you can face this disease on your own, versus additional suffering because of another. You deserve a partner who will be there for you, willing to lend their stregnth to you when your stregnth is depleteted. You deserve someone who will make you smile and laugh, when all you can think about is curling up in a ball and crying. You deserve someone who will take some of the hardest moments of your life and turn them around into beautiful memories. Now, if you want a worthy partner, this means you must be a worthy partner in return.... Everyday, look in the mirror and get real with yourself. What is one thing that you can change about yourself today? Start small, but do it! Baby steps will turn into leaps and before you know it, you will be the absolute, best possible version of yourself and you will attract the same in return. Recognize that you are a strong individual and embrace it! Every person who suffers with this disease has undeniable stregnth. We may have been forced by the disease to find our stregnth, but all that matters is that we found it. So take it and apply it to other areas of your your life as well. If you are single, start thinking about what is that you need from a partner. Talk about this to your potential mate from the very beginning. Like I said above, not everyone is capable of taking on such a responsibility. What is the point of allowing yourself to feel for someone if you ultimately know that they are unable or unwilling to take on such a task? Talk to your potential mate about it before you allow feelings to develop. Stop following your heart and start leading it. Be your own advocate, be self-aware, be strong and as always, be encouraged and be encouraging!
For as long as humanity has been in existance, we have had an insatiable fascination with everything beyond our gravitational pull to the earth's suface. Today we have helicopters, airplanes, jets and even spacecrafts to explore, learn and transport us to places that our two legs could never never take us. Now, for just a minute, let's go back to the very beginning. Where did the inspiration that led to these amazing inventions stem from?? A bird... It's really just that simple..a bird!! We have all watched them and we have all had a curiosity about them at one time or another, even if only as a child. As a little girl, I tried to make my own set of wings and attempted to jump off of my bed, full of hope that I could fly as well. As I'm sure that you will know, without any form of explanation, this did not end the way I had anticipated. My attempt did not pan out, but someone was passionate enough to get it right and today we are able to fly through the skies and marvel at the beauty of our world from a different view, at any time we'd like! Now, I want to talk about the bird and the plane!! We are now able to see everything that the bird sees and we are able to fly side by side with that bird, but do we really know what it is like to be a bird??? Quick answer here: N-O!! We can fly a million times, but we will NEVER know what it is like to move our arms up and down and begin to rise into the air. So why all of the talk about birds and airplanes? It's an analagy-even if you are able to catch a glimpse, you cannot understand what it is like to be a bird, unless you are a bird. Crohns disease can be the same way. Unless someone has the disease, there is no possible way that they can understand what it is like to live with the disease!! I may not be able to squeeze someone into my body so that they can personally experience the torture within, but I hope to create an airplane, enabling people to see what our eyes see. The world looks very different from the sky, just as it looks very different from our perspective! I know that there will be people who refuse to step on the plane and take a little flight through our world to learn, grow and ultimately change their thinking, BUT, there are many people who will!! That is what excites me! Each person who takes the time to learn and change their mindset= More support and encouragement for each of us who have no other choice but to flap our wings and fly through the storm! It's going to take a while to build this "airplane", but I am lucky enough to have the support of so many people who struggle on a daily basis, just like me! Together, we will make a difference and I am so very thankful for each and every one of you!!
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